The Doorkeeper

Often, when we have parts that are activated and blended, it feels impossible to use our IFS tools, or even remember that we have IFS tools at all. When this happens, the only thing we really need to know is that the presence of Self is healing. Even a very small amount of Self energy brings some healing to even the most troubled or troubling part, and helps relieve the system as a whole. So, what does it take to create an opening and let some Self energy come in? 

For me, what works is to have one part in my system whose job is to open the door, even just a crack, and invite Self into the body whenever other parts are overwhelmed and unable to extend the invitation themselves. This doorkeeper part must already hold some Self qualities (as most parts, in fact, do), and must be someone other parts tend to trust, someone who has served the system well in the past. 

How does this look in practice? When I’m blended with suffering parts and unable to “do IFS,” I cannot even imagine that Self actually exists. I just know that I feel awful. There’s no meaning, no sense of connection to anything, and my parts just keep struggling on automatic pilot until they collapse. The part who has volunteered to be my doorkeeper is a protector who is always on hand when my system is under strain. This part—a young soldier who calls himself the Survival Driver—does his best to keep me functioning. He is a natural leader, and his job is to keep his troops (other parts) alive, keep them moving, and get them to safety, even when he is as frightened as they are. Although he cannot bring joy to his task or long-term healing to the system, he will do whatever is necessary, whatever is possible, and he remembers that what’s necessary and possible when things seem desperate is to crack open the door within me. Sometimes, I literally see him in my mind, walking to that door, turning the knob. 

Do you have a part who steps in automatically when needed, who helps you to cope? This kind of part is safeguarding a little Self energy for you, and makes your other parts feel, at least temporarily, a little safer. This kind of part makes a good doorkeeper. I experience my own Survival Driver doorkeeper as the part of me who knows how to act as if my actions mean something even when he doesn’t really believe that and can’t feel it; he knows that going through the motions can bring a whisper of of air into my suffocating inner space. The Survival Driver opens the door by talking to me the way that Self would talk, doing the things that Self would do, staying with the other parts so they won’t feel entirely lost. He says, “Hey Kerry, just do the best you can. You’re okay.” He gets me to do the dishes, or make a list, or get some exercise, so my overwhelmed parts won’t panic. He makes me sit with the cat in my lap, or step outside and look up at the sky. 

The one Self quality that the Survival Driver always manages to keep is courage, and he uses that courage to wedge open the door. And once the door is open, courage invites a little gentleness, a little calm, a little confidence… and soon it really is Self energy filling the room, and filling all the parts, including the Survival Driver himself, from the inside. The pain softens, the panic softens. As Self energy flows, burdens recede, and some healing happens even if it happens very slowly, on a very small scale. This unblending is not as dramatic as an unburdening, but it is a deep relief, and it makes unburdening ultimately possible. 

Who is your doorkeeper? Is it someone inside you who holds onto courage—or maybe curiosity, patience, or a sense of humor? Try to notice that, just by doing their jobs and remembering to hope, our doorkeepers are extending an invitation to Self on behalf of all the other parts. Once our own doors are open, we become more and more aware that our clients, friends, families and neighbors all have doorkeepers, too. People all over the planet have doorkeepers whose vital role is not to keep threats out, but to let possibilities in. When our Self-led doorkeepers are opening our hearts, we find it natural to open welcoming doors to one another as well.